"So dig a little deeper, cause You still don't get it yet See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix And I'll make, I'll make you love me."
-Liz Phair:Extroardinary
1) I want to get a bikini wax but refrain from it because it sounds/looks like and probably is the worst kind of agony possible. Worse than most nazi forms of torture even. And the reasonable person in me just can't comprehend the idea of paying to actually get hot wax poured around such an intimate area by a perfect stranger( who for you and your nether region's sake hopefully knows what he/she is doing.)and then getting strips put on only to be yanked the fuck off...
and yet I still can't help but toy with the idea.
2) I like jerks but expect to be able to tame them. Call me crazy but there's something about the rebel type bringing out his softer side only for me. What ends up happening is I do get to see their softer side, but the twist is-it's all an act to get into my pants. My downfall is along the way I forget that they are jerks. Once a jerk always a jerk. I fear I may never learn my lesson.
3) I want to be an independant woman who 'don't need nothing from nobody.' And yet when it comes down to it I really just want to be loved and held. And I do get lonely just like everybody else. With that said I also really really enjoy being on my own most of the time, and when I socialize I like being in control of the company and the time. I guess you could say I'm an extroverted introvert. or that I'm a complete contradtiction.
4) I tend to over embelish even though my life is pretty damn interesting all on it's own. When talking with friends I feel the need to make things that much more amusing even though what I have been through and who i am tend to both be very intriguing subjects all on their own, sans exagerations of any kind. I just feel the need to add in that extra umph- to get people talking about it. Maybe I'm secretly an attention whore?
5) I have my moments where I am extremely conceited. At the same time I almost always doubt myself when it comes to the concept of beauty. I am constantly on a rollercoaster of self confidence for this very reason-a constant ride of either feeling like the hottest thing since the sun vs. not wanting to go out to face the general public because I feel like a baby beluga.
6) I suck at time management and am one of the most unreliable people ever. I rarely call when I say I will, I'm always late, am rarely organized and have the recolection ability of a goldfish when it comes to my social life. By perfect contrast in school and work I take things to a whole new level of anal. I go out of my way to get things done. I pull all nighters, I go that extra mile or two and I basically go through hell to come out on top of things.
7) I am worried that I have multiple personality disorder or even worse that I'm just a big fake. You see, I am different around different people and I justify it by thinking that I can be different degrees of myself with people because there are those I know better than others. I also have trust issues and find it hard to let people in close. There are those to who I'm a shameless witty minx. Others think of me as a conservative shy girl and then to a very select few I am who I really am, which is a fragile person stuck between these two contrasting depictions of myself.
8) I got my heart broken way back when. I act like it's so passe and that I'm over it but it is still very much a part of my daily perceptions, reactions and actions towards everything I come in contact with. It has shaped me more than almost anything else and sometimes I fear it has left me too bitter and broken and cold and that I might never be brave enough to take on love again. So I have adopted this love em and leave em ideal to keep myself safe from ever getting hurt again and makes me appear like I'm cold hearted and distant. But it's all an act. I'm convinced that I'm the most fragile, protective and rejection-fearing person ever.
9) There is something about swimming during a rain storm that I find dangerously sexy. Infact it just might be my biggest turn on aside from rough breathless kissing and being dominated to the point of shame. What can I say? I find something attractive about danger, rough love and being taken over completely. I'm sure I could analyze it all to the point of meaningless, but it remains what it is. So if you're looking to woo me all you'd need to really do is take me, giving me absolutely no say in the matter whatsoever. Some people could see this as me not knowing what I really want but that's not really true because I know what I want and that is for you to know what you want and to be brave enough to take it no questions asked. I will never make the first move and I will never admit to wanting anyone so I could easilly be categorized as submissive, but even though that might be accurate in a wayI do see myself as quite the challenge and I'm sure alot of the men I have come across would have to agree.
10) I have been battling my weight since about grade 4, when for the first time I was called fat. It shocked me because I had never seen myself as fat. I was into more sports that I can even remember. I was on the track team...and looking back at pictures of me I was in no way fat but because at that age you can't help but be affected by what others say I came to believe I was actually over weight, which has followed me to this day and created havoc for my self oncfidence and has even created a problem with food which has in turn made me gain weight. The fear of gaining weight is infact what keeps me chubby in some twisted way.
Now I know I'm not fat, I am simply not up to stick figure proportions of beauty. The lord has seen fit to make me well endowed with an enviable bust line and a booty and at times this has frustrated me, but I am learning to enjoy it lately and be grateful that I look like what a woman should look like.
2:00 PM