Friday, December 01, 2006
What is this feeling?
It feels like...my heart is breaking..........
I do not like writing about my feelings or my lows in this journal because i don't like admiting that I have faults...i don't even like admitting it to myself....I don't like admitting that I fail at things...that I'm not everything I want to be....
I'm not organized...i'm not dedicated...I'm actually lazy and selfish and...emotional you know?
and lately...to add to the list I'm lonely...
I've never felt this way before...I've always had so many people around me, but now I'm starting to feel alone and unresolved and unfulfilled and i don't know what to dooooo.
I started smoking again...bad eating habits followed soon after but I'm really trying...
I want to be the girl/woman that Mr.Ninja guy can fall for...
I want to be able to knit and do the splitz and be delicate yet...strong!
and i just smoked another cigarette thinking (hoping wishing...) that it will be my last and that tomorrow i can start new again...
and i was wearing my mom's nightgown because i miss her..and i just burn it with cigarette ash...
Will i always fail like this? Will i always continue to dissapoint myself and others? Always falling short...
I feel sick...I just want to go to bed and sleep and dream of something better.
9:00 PM
